Serving Thyme

I've struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. Playing sports growing up taught me how to be part of a team, work towards a goal and continually push to better myself. Growing up as an athletic child, my body looked different than the other girls. I had thick, muscular legs and broad, defined shoulders. Combining that with hitting puberty early, I looked more like an 18 year old than an 11 year old. I was teased for my curves and constantly felt like I was too fat. Although I was a strong girl at a healthy, athletic weight, when I compared myself to the other girls I was always bigger. Curves were not "in" in the 90s and early 2000s.

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High school was a little better, but when I started taking college courses at 16 I found myself wanting to look like the thin, stylish upperclassmen I saw around campus instead of the slightly awkward kid who always got straight A's. As early as 16 I had already begun crazy dieting to try to be thinner. I would restrict my calories to 1,200 per day while working out intensely for 5-6 hours per day. No matter how much weight I lost or how thin I got, I still wasn't happy with my body. While I looked healthy on the outside, I was extremely depressed and often found myself binge eating to compensation. However, that would just lead me to being even more upset with myself and cause me to cut my calories again.

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When I was 18 I went away to college and had my first real taste of independence. I continued to play sports so I was constantly around other people who shared my love of athletics. There was no shortage of opportunities to exercise and I often found myself going to the weight room or running for hours a day. Instead of feeling empowered by my strong body, I felt weak because I still was continuing the restrictive dieting and bingeing. If I felt that I had too many calories the day before, I would cut the following day's food dramatically so that I wouldn't gain the dreaded freshman 15. I never did. In fact, I left college at a lower weight than when I started.

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After college I began working in an office job and suddenly I wasn't able to make time to work out as much as I did in the past. Instead of gaining a freshman 15, I gained an office 35. I was more miserable than ever about my body and couldn't stand to see myself in mirrors. To try to get control over my weight, I started dieting for body building competitions. The strict, controlled diet and workout regimens were exactly what I needed to get on track and I found a community of people who were also focused on competing. They were extremely supportive and had a ton of knowledge on nutrition and exercise. The only downside was that the hyper-focus on appearance led me to be even more critical of myself. I never felt I was lean enough, even with six-pack abs and striations in my shoulders. The depression was still there, but now I had a socially accepted term for my bingeing: cheat days. I found myself relishing a cheat day more and more, but then felt guilty and punished myself with extra cardio or weightlifting.

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Fast forward a few years and I went through an extremely difficult break up after finding out the man I had been living with and planning a future with was cheating on me. In order to find a bit more balance in my life, I decided to stop training for competitions and focus instead on a balanced, healthy lifestyle. Unfortunately, that didn't work. Instead, I stopped training, binge ate multiple times per week and my weight shot up to almost 220lbs.

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Right around when I hit my highest weight, I made a career change and relocated to a different state. A few months into my new job I was approached and asked to help create a weight loss challenge for the company's corporate office because of my background in nutrition, exercise and dietary supplements. I agreed and enthusiastically threw myself into the contest. After the 12 week contest finished, I had dropped almost 35lbs... but more importantly, I had lost 35lbs without unhealthy dieting.

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Now I'm trying to keep that weight loss going and reach my goal of maintaining a healthy weight. I don't expect to get it right every week or even every day, but I hope that my journey helps to inspire others to confront their own unhealthy body image issues and make a positive change.